Final Fantasy: Rehash
by redreject
Summary: Rewrite of the entire game, with a funny spin. Chapter 8, sweet memories added. Cloud's dumb, yet clever. Lotta bad language
1. Into the Fray

A/N As saw fit to delete my fic (glares) I am now reposting it with a higher rating. So there!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or any of it's characters. I just ripped them apart, put it back in way that seemed to make sense, dressed it in fancy words that sounded good, and submitted it to this site, Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Into the Fray!

'Uhhh.....Jessie...?'

'Yeah, Cloud?'

'You're drooling over me again.'

'Oh shi-! Sorry Cloud! Duh!' She said, slapping herself in the forehead. Her eyes crossed for a moment then slid back into focus, only to stare, awestruck at her idol.

Sighing, Cloud wiped his arm free of saliva for what felt like the hundredth time. 'Don't worry about it. Could you stop staring at me like that?'

'Sure! Didn't even notice I was doing that! Duh!' She slapped herself again. This time she fell to the floor, unconscious.

Again, Cloud sighed. It was looking to be one of those days. He stood, and stepped over the now supine form of the hyperactive Jessie. The moment the halfwit had clapped eyes on him, she hadn't stopped following him, not missing an opportunity to stare at him breathless, or drool on his arm. Cloud was eternally thankful for the ten minutes or so of peace that followed when she slapped herself.

He approached the rotund figure of Wedge, and then decided at the last minute that he would rather not talk to him. The fat so-called freedom fighter was almost as bad as Jessie, always pouncing on him the moment he walked into a room. He wanted Cloud's opinion on everything, asking him to compare this weapon, or that materia.

Cloud couldn't see what Wedge could possibly want with materia, as he had the magical aptitude of a geriatric, drink sodden street performer. Cloud stopped just before he entered his sightline, but Wedge somehow managed to notice he was there.

'Oh hey there Cloud! I thought you were asleep! I meant to ask you, which d'ya thin-'

Cloud made sure no-one was looking before pinching Wedge's nerve cluster. He slumped to the floor, just as Jessie had done.

Cloud looked down, a bizarre mixture of empathy and revulsion crossing his face. He now walked to the only competent member of the group. His backed was turned and his shoulders seemed sagged. Thinking he was depressed, Cloud tried to find what was wrong.

'Hey Biggs, how's things?

'Cloud! How're ya yerself, y'bastad! hic' He launched himself onto Cloud leaning on him for support

'What the fu-' Then Cloud noticed the litre bottle of 'Mako Delight' empty at Biggs' feet.

'Lissen, Cloud...d'you know, yer my best mate, y'are Cloud.'

'Biggs, why the fuck are drinking before a mission!?'

'hic y'bastad ya! Bwarrrrfff!'

Cloud stepped back just in time to avoid the gush of foul smelling, fluorescent blue puke. Biggs however, no longer supported, had the misfortune of falling face-flat into his own vomit.

'Th'fuggin bitch left me!!!! I can't beli bowk believe 'er. I gav' 'er eyer'ing' He too fell unconscious.

The volatile leader of AVALANCHE chose that precise moment to walk in

'Aight foo's, lissen up, we got five minnits before we hit the station, so I want everyon rea-'

He caught sight of Cloud standing over the lifeless forms of his subordinates.

'WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THEM, YA DAMN SHINRA CRACKA!!!'

Barret raised his gun-arm

'Barret, fuck, wait, I can- eep!'

Cloud ducked under a volley of gunfire.

Two minutes, a shaken Cloud, and an appeased Barret later, all of AVALANCHE was awake. Jessie and Wedge were fine, though Wedge was still confused as to why Cloud decided that he needed to be out cold. There was nothing to be done for Biggs though. Barret said he should come on the mission anyway, because he happened to be a master of drunken boxing.

'Barret, could you review the mission? I'm sure readers who have no idea where this fic is starting would like to know what's happening.' Cloud said. He immediately wondered why.

Barret blinked at him. 'what you talking about, damn foo'. What the hell is a fic, and whadda you mean by readers?

Cloud blinked in turn, then shook his head. 'I....don't know....weird.'

'Crazy cracka' muttered Barret. 'Awright, the mission is to infiltrate and destroy the North Mako Reactor. Jessie has the bomb....'

She proudly produced a small box, 6' by 6'. It was stuffed with bangers, and had a small piece of paper poking from it's side. Cloud rolled his eyes.

'Damn fine piece a' work there Jessie!'

She beamed smugly.

'Awright, here's the team placement. Wedgie, you'll be guardin' our escape route.'

'Hey!!' came the protest

'SHU'UP FOO''

'yes sir' Wedge mumbled

'heeee, wedgie. Thassa goodun.' Came the inebriated voice of Biggs.

'Biggs you'll be supporting me an' spikeass here. Cloud you n' me'll plant the fucka on the regulator in the middle of that huge thang.'

'Okay'

'Jessie, you'll be opening all the doors. You'll be stickin' like glue to me and Cloud.'

Shit, thought Cloud.

'Yay!' said Jessie.

'Aight, is everyone clear?' The train ground to a halt. 'move yer friggin asses!' Came Barret's yell as he ran off the train, shooting anything that wasn't his team.


	2. Stupidity Triumphs Again!

A/N ok if I didn't mention it before, then most of the characters in this fic are extremely OOC. Reviews are appreciated, and flames will be used to keep me warm in the night while I write this drivel. Also I apologise for my poor formatting.

Chapter 2: Stupidity Triumphs Again

Ah well, time to earn my pay thought Cloud.

He stood on top of the train, and was about to hop off. He looked down, and saw a platform guard, busy trying to shoot Jessie. Jessie was avoiding the bullets by pure dumb luck, while beating another guard over the head with a Cloud doll she had made herself. Cloud thought he could show off a bit, and leap onto the guard from above.

Grinning, he took a step back and started his run up.

As he launched himself from the top of the train, his foot caught on a pipe. This caused Cloud to pivot, and his forward movement decided it would rather go down, dragging Cloud kicking and screaming with it.

'Oh SHIT!!!!' stated Cloud.

As he neared the ground, Cloud decided it would be a good idea to curl into a ball. In doing so, he caused his body to flip, and landed feet first on the station floor.

Pleasantly surprised, he looked up to see Barret, looking mildly miffed.

'The hell you doin' foo'! We don't got no time for that fancy shit!'

Extremely nonplussed, Cloud looked around to see the guard he was going to jump dead on the floor. His chest now contained several more holes than it did before.

Barret was already walking away. Cloud couldn't see why Barret was so annoyed. The misfit members of AVALANCHE obviously had the situation under control. Jessie's guard was now out cold, having been beaten half to death with a plushy, and Cloud looked up in time to see Biggs execute a rather masterful drunken punch on another. Wedge was the only one having difficulties.

A guard was advancing on him, nightstick raised, while the fat fool tried in vain to get a lightning materia to work. Cloud watched on, amused. He made no move help the hapless twerp.

Finally, in a fit of desperation, Wedge opted to hurl the green bauble at the guard. It broke over his head. To everyone's collective astonishment, the remains began to spew low level bolt spells left, right and centre. In a few seconds, the guard was so much kebab meat.

'Hey, cool!'

'It ain't cool, foo'! You jus' wasted a damn good materia'

Barret gave him a resounding thwack on the back of the had.

Wedge sniffled '...sorry, Barret.....'

'Useless &$£! Everyone moved to the damb gate!'

Everyone obliged, except Cloud. He walked over to the shards of the materia. He was then amazed to find the pieces pulling themselves together.

'What the-'

Soon, a complete lightning materia nestled at Cloud's feet. He picked it up, looked to see if Barret was gone, then shrugged, slotting the materia into the free slot on his sword. He looked at it for a moment, transfixed by the arcs of lightning he could see rolling around inside the crystal.

'Thunder....' He muttered to himself. He was then horrified to see the Materia glow. He realised that he had accidentally activated the spell contained in the orb, and knew at once that the energy must discharge itself.

Then, remembering he was the only living thing on the platform, and therefore the only viable target for the spell, his face paled.

'Oh, SH-'

Before he could make any move, or even drop the sword, the Bolt rushed to end of the blade and leapt off it. To Cloud's surprise, the spell passed over his head, and struck the two unwitting shinra regulars who had been stealthily approaching him from behind. Cloud whirled around.

He saw the two barbecued troops slump to the ground. He sighed with relief, and thanked whatever gods were watching him. He made his way in the direction of the station exit.


	3. To the Belly of the Beast errr Reactor

Disclaimer: Let's be honest here. If I owned Final Fantasy, would anyone be making a bloody fanfic about it? I think not!

Chapter 3: To The Belly of The Beast.....err Reactor

Cloud, still bemused about the whole materia incident, soon found himself at the gates of the reactor compound. That is to say, he actually ran into it before he noticed it was there.

'Shit!' cursed the voice from the floor. It stood up, rubbing its nose. Cloud hastily dusted himself off, trying his best to ignore the odd stares he was attracting.

A familiar voice was soon rushing towards them, shaking dust from the walls.

"Damn foo's! Thought I told ya never to move in a group!"

For no visibly apparent reason, he fired a few rounds into the air. Cloud had come to the conclusion that this was like a nervous tic people developed. It happened whenever Barret became nervous or excited, only it was more noticeable and deadly than, say, a twitch in the cheek.

Cloud had first made the connection when sat in the bar with Barret just before leaving on the mission. Barret had been leaning lazily with his back to the bar, with his arms spread along the counter. He was boasting to Cloud about how many shinra he was going to kill, when Tifa came over, telling him not to hurt himself. She quickly kissed Barret on the cheek. His entire body then tensed, and he then shot a nearby patron in the head.

Fortunately, however, the gentleman in question had been drinking to prepare him for his impending suicide, brought on by the fact his wife had left him for the fifth time, so no harm was done. However, Tifa did purse her lips and scold Barret.

"Barret, what have I told you about shooting my customers! It's bad for business!" She turned and stormed out, leaving a sputtering Barret, a mildly amused Cloud and several frightened drinkers.

Cloud shook himself out of his daydream, noticing Jessie finally had the doors open. They stormed quickly and efficiently through the courtyard, pausing only to pick up a penny, decapitate some harmless guard dogs, wait for Biggs to finish vomiting, pick up another penny, get noticed by several nearby troopers, duck under a hail of gunfire, run back to the entrance with their tails between their legs (pausing to pick up another penny) and cower right back where they started.

"Shit! They've spotted us" No shit thought Cloud "what the hell we gonna do foo's!"

He blew the heads off some random passers by in his agitation.

Cloud was hit by an idea. Rubbing his cheek where it struck him, he said "Why don't I just blast them away with my materia?"

All eyes whipped round to Cloud. "You can use materia!?"

"Err. Yeah"

They simply looked at him in awed wonder. In order to break the silence, Cloud showed them his Buster sword with the two materia slotted into it with a smug air about him.

"See, this is an Ice. I got that as a present on my graduation from SOLDIER. And this one is a Lightning, I, um,....found it....."

"You found it? Wow, you must be really lucky Cloud.!" Wedge piped up. He sighed "I lost mine. That one looks so much like it..."

"You didn' lose it ya foo', ya broke it over that damn guards head!"

"Oh yeah..."

"So Cloud, what are you waiting for! Blow those damn $%!#£s away!"

Ten seconds later, they were hurrying their way past some steaming corpses, and onto the bridge in front of the reactor.

"Look at the size of that sucka!" Biggs appraised their target with a wavering eye.

"Yeh can sing its praises after we blow the fucka sky-high."

"One little box filled with sucky gil-for-ten bangers is supposed to destroy this thing?" Cloud asked sceptically

Jessie looked hurt

"I put all of my mind to making that bomb y'know"

We're fucked, thought Cloud. "I know, its just a pretty big reactor. I didn't mean that." He lied.

Jessie brightened, and giggled a little.

"Awright, Wedge, you stay here and guard our exit. The rest of you with me. MOVE!" Barret barked.

"Wait, why, do I have to stay here?!" came the petulant whine

"CAUSE YOU'RE A DAMN JACKASS!!!!"

Wedge sniffled, and his eyes grew big and watery.

"Aw Christ, stop cryin' "

He hit upon an idea (which was incredibly rare for him). Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a dog biscuit. He threw it to the exit Wedge was supposed to guarding. Wedge yelped, and galloped after it. Cloud had never seen a fat person move so fast.

"Awright, quick follow me." He grabbed Jessie, who had tried running after the biscuit herself, and ran towards the reactor. When they were all inside, he quickly sealed the door with the pass code Jessie had hacked out of shinra files. Wedge could never get inside now. Even if he had remembered the code, his fingers were too fat to operate the keypad.

"Daft bastard" snickered Biggs.

"Don't you think you should treat him a little better? After all he is only trying to help.

"I would if he didn't have the intelligence of a mentally stunted chocobo foetus." Barret countered.

"He'll get you back for this one day. I guarantee."

Barret merely snorted and started towards the interior of the reactor. Cloud stared at Wedge for a while, who had now eaten the biscuit. He sat on his behind just outside the Perspex door, looking at Cloud in a way that was akin to a dog pining to be let indoors.

Cloud started after the others.

Little did he know his words would be true. So, so true....


	4. Bots and Breaks

A/N Don't forget to add suggestions to your reviews; I may work them in somehow.

Chapter 4: Bots and Breaks

Cloud approached the group standing at the sealed gate leading to the elevator.

"Why are we all stood here?" He asked.

"Waiting for Jessie to get the damn door open, foo'!"

Cloud glanced over to where Jessie was attacking the door with her Coco Pops™ Code Cracker. After watching silently for a few minutes, Cloud walked over and hit the big button that said OPEN.

"Yay, I got it, I got it!" Jessie squealed, having not noticed.

Cloud rolled his eyes, and opened the next two doors while Jessie wasn't looking.

Biggs stayed behind to watch the elevator, which was fine with him, as he had started to fully sober. The bad thing about 'Mako Delight' is that it actually contains neat Mako. However, the body quickly metabolizes the rest of the drink ingredients, leaving some 100ml of pure Mako in the stomach. This makes for the mother of all stomach aches when the alcohol wears off, which is fairly quickly.

Thus, Biggs was quite content to writhe in agony on the floor, instead of following the rest of the team.

Into the elevator, down to the bottom floor, and out onto some ladders. No longer needed, Jessie plopped down on the floor just outside the elevator, and began to play with her Cloud plushy. She seemed to forget that the real Cloud was stood right there, and began to whisper things to the doll that its living counterpart found quite disturbing, to say the least.

Cloud, for his part, did not want to now what the hell a 'major glompage' session was.

Now at the bottom of the ladders, and at the last bridge, Cloud and Barret moved swiftly towards the regulator that controlled the entire reactor. Cloud could tell Barret was becoming agitated, as he had nearly blew his foot off twice. They finally reached the end and stood in front of the target. Barret pulled out the half-assed excuse for a bomb, and tossed it to Cloud.

"Here newcomer, you set the bomb. I'm gonna watch to make sure you don't pull nothin' "

Cloud shrugged and moved towards the device. Unsure what to do, he stuffed the box in a cubby hole, and lit the fuse with his Zippo.

"Good work kiddo, now let's move." Barret said this just as an alarm went off, klaxons blared, and a 20 foot tall, blazing red, armed to the teeth and seriously pissed off guard robot thumped down in front of them. The robot took the form off a scorpion. And he wasn't too happy to see these punks break in and try to blow up his reactor.

"Not on my watch, assholes." He growled, with a metal cigarette dangling from where his mouth should be.

The dynamic duo stared up at it in abject terror. For a while, nothing happened. The robot just glared at them.

After several more moments of nothing happening, Both Cloud and the robot decided it was high time something did happen. They both leapt forward at the same moment, and Cloud brought his Buster towards the robot's torso at the same moment the torso opened a secret hatch and let fly with two slugs the size of a man's fist.

Cloud's blade was deflected with great force, and decided it would take Cloud along for the ride. Cloud was hurled bodily against the wall, and stood up apparently very aggravated.

Barret by this time had begun firing. He wasn't firing in any particular direction, he just sprayed bullets everywhere and hoped Cloud would take care of it. Cloud WAS taking care of it, in his own little fashion. Unfortunately this fashion involved him being picked up and slammed repeatedly against the floor.

"BAR-umpf-RET-ugh-HELP-oof-YOU-ack-FAT-ark-FOOL!" Cloud yelled, rather eloquently he thought, given the circumstances. Listening to Cloud was beyond Barret at the moment. His firing had taken on an even more random pattern, and he was spinning in a circle blasting at will. Poor will. (sorry just had to put that in)

Just before Cloud's ribcage gave away, a stray bullet hit a servo in the bot's arm. It now hung limply by its owners arm. This was the arm that was currently beating the floor with Cloud. (in much the same way Jessie had beaten the platform guard. Oh, bitter irony!) The spiky blond muppet that we are referring to was given one last slap against the 'bots knee, before dislodging himself, and standing again.

Suffice it to say, he was not a happy bunny. Being hit against the floor by a mind-buggeringly large robot will do that to you. There was a feral glitter in Cloud's eye. After hastily extracting the offending dust, Cloud glared at the scorpion, who quailed.

What happened next took even Cloud by surprise. He hadn't even realised that he had raised his sword. His mind had filled with rage, and he had no control over his body, as he started to run towards the unfortunate machine. Before he knew it he had planted his foot its head, and launched himself into the air.

He unconsciously forced all of his will into his blade, and poured his entire spirit, soul and mind into multiplying the force of its edge. His entire body was a raging river of tumultuous power now, trembling to be let loose upon this luckless foe before it. With a wild yell, Cloud loosed the energy, and brought it screaming down on the doomed foe some 15 yards below him.

"Fuckbeans" thought the robot, as it fell into two neat pieces on either side of the walkway.

Somewhat satisfied, Cloud replaced his sword on his back, and began to run toward Barret. He had stopped shooting, and had seen the whole thing.

"WHAT THE F&$% WAS THAT" he politely enquired of Cloud.

"Buggered if I know" was his brusque reply. "c'mon, we got ten minutes to get outta here."

Cloud began jogging toward the ladders, and Barret, dumbstruck (or just plain dumb, depending on how you want to look at it) followed.

Ok, yes, that was a limit break. I added it in the way I thought it was, from my experience of the game. I realise this chapter may seem shoddy, but I'm extremely tired. Ill do better next one, promise! Ill try to make it funnier too. Laters!


	5. The Girl Loves Her Doll

A/N: ok, from now on, updates are likely to be slightly more sporadic, due to me having put my homework off too long. However I should still be able t get a couple done per week. Thanks to Charm for his review. Also, I apologise if my last chapter was rubbish. I didn't check it for either grammar or spelling, as I was very, very tired. Onwards! To the next chapter!

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Final Fantasy and all its various incarnations, characters, logos, plastic collectables, soundtracks, movies, other cheap market sell-out items, spin-offs and shameless penny wrenching novels are the sole property of Square-Enix. As such I am in no way responsible, or concerned with, any mental damage and/or emotional problems that may develop while ingesting their garbage. All blame lies squarely on their shoulders if your child grows up believing he can lift a sword twice as big as him/her, and that he only killed his/her little sister in the belief that she would turn into red dust and dissolve. Puff...Pant any way onto the story!

Chapter 5: The Girl Loves Her Doll!

They ran toward the base of the ladder, and hastily clambered up it. Barret was ahead, and had already begun climbing the million or so stairs to the elevator. Cloud however had noticed something was wrong. Jessie was sat down, away from the door, with her back to Cloud.

"Jessie? C'mon we gotta move."

As Cloud approached her, she noticed that she was still holding the Cloud toy. Well, holding isn't the right word really.

"Ack, Jessie! Christ, you have problems!" (Ill leave it up to your disturbed imaginations)

Jessie continued what she was doing, and didn't even move to acknowledge Cloud. She seemed totally transfixed on the doll.

"Jessie, c'mon, we gotta "

"Uh..."

"Cloud dolly...I...love youuuuu...!"

Cloud was growing impatient. He had four minutes to haul ass out of there. He could run himself, and leave Jessie to die, or he could drag her bodily from where she sat. Time was an issue here... Jessie would slow him down...but she was part of the team, despite how dumb she was.

In all, Cloud spent two minutes thinking about it. He decided, and began to run back to the elevator, leaving Jessie behind. Ten seconds later, he turned around, and threw Jessie over his shoulder. Twenty seconds later, he was at the bottom of the huge staircase leading to the elevator. With one minute and thirty seconds to go, Cloud began to run his ass off. He made it into the elevator, out at the top, and through the doors with thirty seconds left, and was joined by Barret and Biggs.

Jessie had now begun to run under her own steam. Biggs quickly thumped in the code to the outside door, and they ran towards Wedge, who had plopped himself down outside they're escape route. He looked up when he heard them approach.

"RUN YOU FOO'!!!" came the voice of guess who.

They began to run through the door which Wedge had hurriedly opened for them. Cloud and Jessie were behind, just outside the now rapidly combusting reactor. They were running as fast as they could, to get outside the blast radius.

Suddenly, Jessie dropped to the floor. Cloud looked behind, and in the few seconds that were available to him, managed to work out that a) Jessie had become hopelessly transfixed by her plushy, and b) a raging ball of fire was about three seconds from turning Jessie into crispy bacon.

Acting quickly, Cloud grabbed Jessie by the wrist, and dragged her along the ground towards the exit. There was no real reason to drag her along the ground. He could easily have swung her onto his shoulders. Cloud just thought it might hurt her enough to burn some sense into her brain. After sealing the door behind them, they hurriedly joined the rest of the team.

Cloud wheeled on Jessie.

"How could you be so dumb!? You almost got us killed!" he shot at the dazed dimwit.

But he couldn't get an answer out of her. In a fit of rage, Cloud grabbed the plaything, and blasted it into oblivion with Lightning.

Jessie's lip quivered.

"You...you...WAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAA!!!!!"

"Oh, Christ..."

Jessie leapt up, and began thumping Cloud on the chest, crying loudly as she did so.

"You big BULLY! Why did you have to do that?! I loved that..."

It seemed to click with Jessie who she was hitting. She soon stopped, and turned to groping him. "Oh Cloud..."

"AAAARGGHHH!!! Get offa me you crazy bi-"

He ran as fast as he could in the direction AVALANCHE had headed.

He collided with Barret before he saw him. "The hell you doin' foo'? What was all that screaming back there?"

"uh.....nothing. Lets go already."

"Gotta wait fo' Jessie to blow this section of the tunnel."

Cloud nearly sagged at the thought of having to wait for Jessie. But he held himself up, and turned, groaning to see that Jessie had almost already completed the task. A few seconds later, AVALANCHE was legging it as fast as they could, because Jessie had used a fuse shorter than a mouse's pe-...uhh...paw. (What did you think I was going to say, huh?)

They all leapt clear at the last second, and all just made it through the narrow door. Jessie had no trouble keeping up, because Cloud was in front, and she was keeping a close on his posterior. Even Wedge managed to make it out with just a small singe to his backside.

"Can anyone smell bacon?" asked Cloud, as he lifted his head clear of the dirt.

They all looked to Wedge, who was fanning his blackened rear.

"Eeeeeeewww!"

"Awright y'all! We did a good job today. Split and meet back at the hideout!"

Cloud thought to ask about his pay, but decided to do it later, when Barret couldn't run. He began his trek to Tifa's bar...

Well that's it for another chapter. Sorry I was a bit slow updating, but like I said, I put my homework off too long. Ill do as much as I can though. Find out what happens next time on Final Fantasy Rehash! Will Cloud make it back to the bar? You should know if you've played the damn game.


	6. Flower Girls and Lucky Escapes

Disclaimer: I'll be buggered if I'm going to repeat myself. Oh, go on then ::draws breath:: Final Fantasy and all its various incarnations, characters, logos, plastic collectables, soundtracks, movies, other cheap market sell-out items, spin-offs and shameless penny wrenching novels are the sole property of Square-Enix. As such I am in no way responsible, or concerned with, any mental damage and/or emotional problems that may develop while ingesting their garbage. All blame lies squarely on their shoulders if your child grows up believing he can lift a sword twice as big as him/her, and that he only killed his/her little sister in the belief that she would turn into red dust and dissolve. Puff...Pant happy now?

Chapter 6: Flower Girls and Lucky Escapes

Cloud strolled at an easy pace through the slums. He was in no particular hurry to get back to the hideout, for two reasons; the next mission briefing was next morning, and Jessie would be there.

So he contentedly ambled along the cracked path, pausing only to allow some community spirited individual to 'lessen his burden' as he put it. Cloud glady handed over his wallet and moved on.

Soon, Cloud came upon a small square, where people were rudely barging past one another. The, amongst the ripped leather jackets and faded jeans, He saw a flash of pink, and a pretty face. The owner of the face had been rudely pushed to the floor. Having nothing better to do, Cloud wandered over.

"Hi. You ok?" Cloud offered her a hand

"Uh...thanks..." She warily took the hand.

"Flowers huh?" Cloud said, indicating the basket the girl was holding "You don't see many of those in the slums"

"Oh...yeah. Would you like one? They're only a gil."

"Sure, why not?" He handed over the coin.

For a while, the girl said nothing, taking in the sharp blue eyes in front of her. She was enchanted by this man who stood in front of her, without even knowing him.

"Say...do you believe in love at first sight?" She said, leaning in to Cloud slightly.

"Uh...yeah, guess so." He was absently staring at a point to his left, and had not really heard her question.

"Yeah, me too" She said, leaning in a little closer. She was inches from his face, and could easily reach him. Cloud however, was totally oblivious. She continued moving forward and closed her eyes...

"I love you..." she whispered.

"Mmm, yeah, that's what I thought. Well, catch ya later!" He walked away.

The flower girl didn't register this for a second. It did however click quite rapidly, however, when she head butted he lamppost directly behind where Cloud was stood moments ago. There was a sickening crunch, and the bottom half of her top incisor fell away completely. She fell backwards, stunned.

"Aaargh! Hey, what the...!" She exclaimed, through a gob-ful of blood. "Hey come back! I don't even know your name!" But Cloud was long gone.

Whistling, Cloud sauntered along, thinking of the money he would be able to squeeze out of Barret. He was approaching the rail lines, and was about to turn towards the station, when...

"HALT! Turn around, and drop your weapon!"

Cloud did indeed turn around, and then noticed two blue uniforms, and two vicious looking guns pointing at his chest. Thus, he failed to complete the second phase of the trooper's directive. He instead drew it, and held it in a defensive stance.

"You didn't hear me boy?" Sneered the grunt. "DROP IT!"

"Um...why?" came the reply.

The shinra lackey seemed taken aback. "Oh...um...shit...just a sec." He turned to his colleague. "Why do we need him to drop it again." "uh, good question. Lemme look a sec..."

With this, he opened a small blue book. Cloud could just make out the title: Tough Guy Clichés for Dummies

After what seemed like an age, the first guy looked up, and haltingly addressed Cloud.

"Uh...so, we got a...funny guy eh," he said, consulting the book again. " Well, we'll just see what you have to laugh...about...after, uh, THIS!"

Cloud was beginning to get bored. "After what, exactly?"

"Um..." They consulted the manual again he one of them read a section aloud:

"_Once you have intimidated the perpetrator further, release your secret weapon. Aforementioned weapon should have been planned beforehand, and should be enough to stun the villain while you call for backup. If you have no secret weapon to hand, then play it by ear."_

They looked at each other, then at Cloud, who by now, was yawning, and indicating for them to hurry up.

"Uh...well...prepare to be...vigorously pointed at!! Aha!" The morons then proceeded to jab there fingers with great alacrity in Cloud's direction. Cloud stared at the two of them in disbelief. Taking this look for the stunned reaction he was supposed to receive, one of the troopers screamed into his radio for reinforcements.

"What the-..." Cloud soon found himself surrounded by surprisingly efficient Regulars. "Oh shit..." He began backing away.

"Hahahaha, There's nowhere for you to run. This is the end of the line for you."

Wrong. What Cloud and the troopers failed to notice was that Cloud was actually backing towards the edge of a tunnel. A tunnel which gave way to a line. A train line. The Middle of a train line, to be bloody meticulous about it.

So it happened that Cloud tripped over the edge of the tunnel, and fell through a hatch, into a train, which just happened to be going to a certain part of the slums, where a certain bar was built. He also landed directly in front of a rather bemused Biggs, a hysterical Jessie, a Wedge who's Winnie the Pooh boxers now contained several lumps, and a Barret who then blew away half of the carriage in fright.

Well that was lucky then ¬.¬

Hope you enjoyed it, and stay tuned for the next exciting(!) instalment of Final Fantasy Rehash! What happens next? Not a lot actually, just sort of an interlude while we wait for the next actioney bit. Oh yeah, Tifa starts to dredge up childhood memories. Ye Gods.


	7. The Meeting and the Unfortunate Youth

A/N I'm writing this one very soon after my last update, though I'm not sure why. I'm still not sure on how I should make Cloud behave, but dumb seems a good way to go at the moment. I dunno, you tell me. Don't forget to post me your ideas on what you think should happen! I've also had a horrible revelation. At the rate I'm writing this, I'm likely to be past chapter 100 before we even get out of Midgar! Pray for my keyboard people.

Onto the story!

Disclaimer: You know it... I know it... but I'm gonna say it anyway. I don't own FF& and its various incarnations. I also don't own Windows 97, 3D pipes, or anything of Microsoft's. I do own the small pink hurricane, which might pop up later, I haven't decided.

Warning: don't read if you like Marlene. She takes a bit of punishment in this one. Poor kid

Chapter 7: The meeting, and the unfortunate youth

After Barret had stopped blowing away what precious little of the carriage they were stood on, and Wedge had excused himself to go to the toilet, there was an awed silence. They weren't amazed at Cloud in particular; just his pure dumb luck (well, Jessie was amazed with Cloud, but she doesn't really count) Cloud hadn't noticed. He was still trying to slow his heart down after his lucky escape.

"Damn foo', the hell did I tell 'bout that crap?" Barret finally piped up. "Doin all that flashy shit" Cloud decided to answer with stony silence, then, seeing Barret's point (he must have given them quite a scare) softened it to a more gravely texture, and then a fine sand.

"Whatever, all ya just get in here" He walked over to the entrance to the next car, and for no good reason, jumped through it.

Biggs walked over to Cloud. His stomach ache had now subsided, and the Mako was fully flushed from his body. "Hehe. Cloud...what the hell did we do back there? I can't remember any of it."

"Uhm...we went to a party Biggs...yeah that was it..."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and you got laid" Cloud lied.

Strangely enough, Biggs accepted this, and moved to the next car, also jumping through the gap. Wedge now moved to the next car. He didn't say anything, just walked by shamefaced. Cloud wrinkled his nose as the pungent one shuffled past him. Oddly enough, he also jumped through the gap.

Jessie was the last one to approach.

"Say Cloud...thanks for picking me up back there. I don't know what it was, but I couldn't stop looking at that doll."

"Uh...that's ok..." Weirdo, thought Cloud.

That said, Jessie hopped to the next carriage. Why do they keep doing that Cloud said to himself. He couldn't see any reason not to, so he did the same. Unfortunately, the frame of the door was a little lower than Cloud had imagined. As he jumped, Cloud cracked his thick nut against the wood strut, and pivoted, flying feet first into the next carriage. His feet hit the back of a frail old lady's head, giving her severe brain trauma, and killing her instantly.

Several people looked up as they heard her body slump to the floor, then they returned their attention to their previous activities.

"Dumbass" Barret had watched, and snickered to himself. Unable to think of a reason why he should be greedy, he broke the snickers into pieces, and handed them out.

"Thanks" said Jessie, taking the chocolate. "Hey Cloud, you wanna watch this monitor with me?"

Cloud, who had absently mindedly plopped down on the floor beside the corpse, looked up from eating the candy. "Sure" he nodded. He walked over the body, and allowed Jessie to drool on his arm as they watched the monitor.

"See, it's the Windows 97 3D pipes screen saver. Isn't it cool? Cloud didn't reply. He was staring at the petty lines wriggle over the screen. The two morons continued to stare at the screen, drooling down their fronts, until half an hour had passed and the train stopped.

Leaping off the train, Barret assembled his team with a polite "Getcha damn asses over here" He told them to meet at the hideout, so they could discuss what to do next.

Cloud walked over to the small area of the slums where Tifa's bar lay. He saw it, the big pink neon sign announcing to everyone that this was the Seventh Heaven. A smaller fluorescent sign announced that you could buy two drinks, and get a third free. When this failed to entice the crowds, Tifa had opted to place a large picture of herself over the entire front of the establishment, showing a great deal of cleavage.

Business quadrupled overnight. The slums were well known for their sleaziness.

Suddenly, the sound of gunfire erupted, tearing it's way though the still night air. Several patrons fled out the bar, dragging a headless corpse with them; it appeared that Tifa had already welcomed Barret home. Barret himself walked out, to chat to a friend from the weapons shop.

Sighing, Cloud made his way towards the Western style swing doors of the bar. Stepping inside, he was immediately smothered under Tifa's generously sized chest. She had chosen to welcome Cloud back in a potentially life threatening manner. Namely, to hug him.

"Welcome back Cloud!" She beamed at him, as he picked himself up off the floor, gasping for air. Then remembering the flower, he took it out of his back pocket. It was now withered, brown and dry. He gave it to her anyway.

"Uh, thanks, you...shouldn't...have?"

"Ah, it was no big" Cloud shrugged

"No, I mean really, you shouldn't have. This thing looks like its diseased or something."

"Oh" She walked over and tossed the thing into the bin.

"So, how did it go? You didn't fight with Barret this time?"

"Uh, kinda"

"I thought so. You always get into fights with him. You're like a little kid."

Cloud just stared at his feet and shuffled his feet.

Biggs, Wedge and Jessie then walked into the bar. Tifa spun around to greet them, knocking them to the floor.

"What the hell are you guys doing on the floor?"

"Urrrr......don't turn around that quickly again" Jessie groaned.

"Um, ok, sorry" said Tifa, helping them up.

Barret came in, and suddenly, a small pink hurricane wrapped itself around his legs, tripping him to the ground. "Papa!!" It said, before making its way out the door. Marlene then walked out the back room and asked "Has that weird hurricane gone away yet?"

Perplexed, Barret looked up from his place on the floor, with an expression that asked "what the hell just happened?!"

No one knew. Tifa explained that it was just a freak hurricane that had appeared, and by some strange property in the way its winds moved, it was able to say Papa.

Satisfied, Barret stood, only to be tripped by Marlene as she wrapped herself around hi legs shouting "Papa" Chuckling Barret put her on his shoulder, and then yelled to the room in general; "Get in here foo's! The meetings starting!"

With that, he walked over the pinball machine and attempted to press the secret switch which lowered it to the floor below. It was stuck.

"The hells wrong wit this thing?" he muttered. He slammed the button. Suddenly, the already rotten floorboards cracked under the combined force of the blow, and Barret's weight. Barret and Marlene were sent hurtling downward.

"Barret! Marlene! You okay?" Tifa rushed over to the hole.

Groans were all she heard, until Barret's gruff voice could be hard.

"I'm okay. Hey, where's Marlene. Ah well, get her later." He stood, revealing an extremely crushed Marlene. Dazed, Barret walked to the middle of the room and sat down.

Without looking, the rest of AVALANCHE jumped down, and five short yelps were heard. Barret suddenly noticed Marlene.

"Ah! There ya are. How did you get so dam' dusty" He picked her up, smacking her about a bit to free her off dust. He then propped her up n his shoulders, filing to notice that her eyes were crossed. She immediately fell off again.

Barret picked her up again, and this time, kept a hand up to steady her.

"Okay, foo's less begin."

Right, that's all the chapters reposted! Also, I need a favour offa you lot. I wonder if anyone could give me a quick list of some of the more popular Japanese speech I seem to be seeing everywhere. Suffixes like –chan –kun and other words like nasai and gomen would be much appreciated. Just stick them in a review, or better yet, email them to me. It would be much appreciated. Oh, and could someone fill me in on the importance of a beta reader, and what one is? Thanks!

Once im certain that people are actually reading this again (cough review cough), then ill start writing the next chapters. Til then, laters.


	8. Sweet Memories

A/N IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMM BAAAAAAAACCCKKKKK! (silence)

oh you mother...

ahem

well i may as well carry on with this for a while, so here you go, another craptastic chappy for you all. Sorry ive been away for a while, but ive now matured, and my writing style has improved (scoff) I also drink less coffee and beer before writing, so there should be some marked improvement.

Must dash, my cat has taken the liberty of spilling tea all over me.

And who says cats aren't wonderful animals?

Disclaimer: if i owned FF7, i would make sure the slackers who made it actually finished the bastard thing

Chapter 8

Sweet Memories

Cloud woke to an almost empty room. Walking to the trashed pinball machine, he noticed the only people in the room were Biggs and Wedge. He muttered a sleepy 'morning' to Biggs, embedded in the wall, and administered a swift kick the sleeping Wedge. He remained snoring.

Pulling his foot free of the glutinous mass, he began hoisting himself up the once secret passage.

Marlene was mixing some potent drinks, and he ordered a 'Mako Mind Masher' from the tot, before observing the morning's drama. Jesse was constructing a new Cloud plushy out of bean bags, duct tape and chocobo feathers, while Barrett and Tifa disposed of a fresh bullet ridden corpse. This one had apparently had the misfortune of standing too close (i.e. within half a mile) of Barrett when Marlene decided to scare the bejasus out of him. One well timed 'Boo!' was all it took to plaster the chaps brains over the unsurprisingly crimson décor.

"Ah, morning Cloud! Sleep well?" Asked a chipperTifa. Cloud's grin turned lecherous before replying with the obvious. He was sent sprawling with a well aimed punch from Barrett. "Respect the bitches, bitch!"

"Ah, thank you Barrett" Tifa said warily. She helped Cloud up.

By now, all members of AVALANCHE were assembled in the general bar area, and Barrett began barking orders.

"Awright foo's, next mission is to blow up another reactor (A/N i forget the numbers). Jesse was up all night working on another bomb, and she says this one should be even more effective than the last one."

With ill-deserved pride, Jesse produced another 6x6 box, this one filled with what appeared to be the scraped off heads of safety matches. Cloud gawped in disbelief while everyone else voiced their approval. Jesse blushed, and put the 'bomb' away.

"We gonna be going in through the service tunnels, so everyone be ready. Get some gear from the weapon shop, and move yo asses to the station. MOVE!"

Barrett emphasised his point by ventilating the bar somewhat. In the wake of Barrett's arm, everyone save Cloud and Tifa had gone. Barrett himself had ambled through the doors.

"Hey Cloud...?" Asked Tifa tentatively.

"Yes Tifa?" Cloud replied offhandedly. His minute attention span was given fully to drawing patterns in the beer stained bar.

"Um...do you remember your promise? The one you made all those years ago in Nibelhiem?"

"Hmm.You mean the one where I said i would give you 10 gil next day if you let me cop a feel? Boy did you fall for that one!"

A mighty thwack was heard all around.

"Sorry Cloud hon, what was that?" Tifa smiled sweetly.

"Oh...um...no." Cloud said feebly from his place on the floor.

This time, birds took flight from trees.

"Hrngh!" Cloud, um, said, before sliding gracelessly to the floor, leaving a comedy style imprint of himself on the wall.

Tifa sat on a chair, quietly weeping.

"Oh Cloud, how could you forget? That was such a special night for me!"

"Ah...that night. Something about a well? I remember it now"

(_Wavy screen thing_)

A fifteen year old boy sits on a well in the middle of a small country village, at the base of a great mountain. The sky is splashed with stars, illuminating his young face. All around him, the town is silent, everyone asleep. He is waiting for someone, a girl who is very special to him.

And he is freezing his bollocks off.

'Goddamn, Tif, where are you. Why did i pick a night in the middle of bloody winter to talk to her. Maybe she wont come. Probably mad at me cause i didn't give her the ten gil..."

He was interrupted in his thoughts by a soft rustling behind him. He turned and saw Tifa, struggling up the rickety well. Cloud watched as Tifa struggled to climb, fell twice, and snagged her dress, ripping it quite badly. Finally, when she was firmly stood on the well beside him, Cloud spoke up.

"Need a hand up?"

Tifa looked down at him, lips pursed and ready to just about punch him hor the sarcastic remark. All she saw though was his blank face, totally sincere in his question. Silently fuming, she sat around the corner of the well from him.

"You wanted to talk to me?" She said.

Cloud sighed. "Come this spring, im leaving for Midgar."

Tifa also sighed, and tucked her chin onto her knees. "All the boys are leaving our town."

"But I'm not like them. I'm gonna be in SOLDIER!"

Cloud missed the snort, and continued.

"I'm gonna be just like the great Sephiroth!"

Tifa, seeing once again that Cloud was serious, was dumbstruck. Cloud wanted to join SOLDIER. Cloud. Tifa wasn't sure what to think, but she liked Cloud. He was her friend. Sure, she made sure she ostracised, beat and bullied him along with the other kids, but that as only so they wouldn't pick on her as well. So she decided to support him, safe in the knowledge that Cloud would come back when he discovered you need a measurable attention span to join SOLDIER

"Good for you Cloud." Was all she said, before they lapsed into thought. Tifa thinking about what Cloud was said, and Cloud about how he could weasel out of paying the ten gil if Tifa remembered.

Finally, Tifa spoke again. "Cloud?"

"Mmm?" Cloud mumbled, deep in the mental exercises of possible application of a cheesegrater to his plan. (A/N The HELL?)

"Would you promise me something?"

"Whats that?" Cloud had exhausted any possibilities of using a cheesegrater, and had now began scheming with toenail clippers. Thus, he wasn't really paying attention.

"If you make it into SOLDIER, would you rescue me? I mean, if im ever in a bind, I want my knight in shining armor to appear. I want to experience that at least once." Tifa thought that this may give Cloud an incentive to push himself, to let him Tifa was behid him.

"Sure." Cloud mumbled, clear now on a plan involving several insects and a length of hosepipe.

"Thanks Cloud." She whispered, then looked to the beautiful sky. The stars are beautiful, aren't they Cloud? Cloud?"

Tifa looked to see Cloud closing the door of his house. Two thoughts then simultaenously popped into her mind.

How the hell do i get down?

Where's that ten gil that little sod owes me?

(_Do that wavy thang_)

"Ah yeah, i remember it now." Cloud said, with a fond look on his face.

Tifa was something less than 'fond' at the moment. "Do you bloody know how long it took me to get down from that well! My dress was in tatters when i finally got home! AND ANOTHER THING, WHERES MY BLOODY TEN GIL!"

Cloud shrank against the wall. "Hey i'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave you there. Here's your money! Don't hit me!" Tifa snatched the note away with some vehemence. Cloud thought for a second (New record!) and produced another note, his former grin returning. "Say..."

All small animals within a fifty meter radius scarpered as a great CRACK! Rose through the air, followed by a plaintive "oohyah!"

A/N dont ask me about the cheesegrater thing. It just popped into my head. I'm sorry to make Cloud such a dumbass, i dont mean to bash him. Drop me a review, including anything you might want me to include. By this I mean little skits and jokes to be included in the upcoming storyline.

Seeya when i seeya.

Bear.


End file.
